May 26th, 2010

I stood over her, watching her breathe in and out, slowly and calmly. Her eyes were peacefully closed, her hand resting on her lower stomach and the corners of her mouth twitched every so often.

My eyes traced the curves of her hair, delicate curls that were vividly yellow against the green grass. It was long, and looked weightless. Her dress was up around her thighs, her boots kicked off haphazardly behind me. She was beautiful. Lovely. I wanted to always remember her like this. Careless and free.

My hands shook a little, as I moved them up around my own neck to find the ends of the string I had tied there hours before. They fumbled, and I fidgeted trying to get the knot out.

There. I held the necklace up and out, admiring the small and simple ring that was string was looped through. I wanted her to have this. I crouched next to her, holding my breath as I placed it in her open palm above her head. I sat and looked at her for awhile, being soothed by her breathes. Her lips were parted slightly, her eyelashes dark against her skin. I wondered briefly what it would be like to kiss her.

I got up, and moved back, not wanting to turn around and leave this sight.


May 26th, 2010

The room was dark. Quiet. Still. I hadn’t moved anything, since it had happened. I hadn’t lit a fire – cleaned a dish, swept, or even picked up the books that had fallen to the floor when I had rushed out just a few days ago.

I held up the lantern with my left hand, my jaw setting as I looked over the area. What had once comforted me now held such a sinister aura…

I sat the light on the table, moving to quickly get the few things I needed. My eyes stayed focus, not daring to stray to their room – as I found my bag. I just needed a few things. Food, clothing, a weapon, and the stash of money I knew we had kept for the winter. I worked fast, ignoring the tears streaming down my face, as I shoved the necessities into my bag, and strapped the sword around my waist.

Was this it?

No, there was just one more thing. I looked at the dark room and grabbed the lantern. The wall of blackness seemed like I couldn’t even move through. The air was cold, harsh, and it smelled of blood. I stepped over the tossed furniture and made my way to the corner of the room, to lift one of the loose boards of the floor to find a small wooden box. Here, we had kept our most valuable items. They had taken everything else, but what I wanted…was safe.

My fingers slid the top of the box off, and gently lifted the necklace out. I took a moment, just one, to tie it around my neck…my eyes catching sight of the wall smeared with blood.


I had to get out of here. Quickly I made my way back to the common area, grabbing my bag on the way out.

I didn’t want to see this place again. All I wanted, was to forget it had ever happened.

I threw the lantern onto the straw roof, and walked away with the glow of the fire to my back.


May 24th, 2010

I hadn’t brought enough money. I looked down at my hands, the crumpled up ones were slightly damp with my sweat. I didn’t think I’d be here this long, waiting.The music pumped louder and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. It was dim in here, and the men around me stunk with sleaze.

My hand left the ones, nestled between my legs, to push back some of my hair and adjust my glasses. People always asked me why I had glasses still, with all the surgeries and quick fixes, but maybe it was because I liked hiding behind them, or maybe it was because I felt different.

My attention was brought back to reality, when the music changed. It wasn’t some tired top 40s hit anymore, it was enticing – different. I knew it was her, just by the music.

I watched her as she came onto the stage, a hand carefully going to get the dollar bills from between my legs, the ones I had saved and pissed off the other girls because I didn’t follow the rules – a $1 a song.

I leaned forward in my seat, to play my favorite game, guessing what her tattoos were. She was beautiful, stunning, and I often wondered what had landed her here – in one of the shittiest strip clubs in town. My mind also contemplated the thought of my hand being the one untying that ridiculously tiny strap holding on her top. I shook my head, my hair falling back over my face.

She looked at me. My heart stopped. She kind of smiled, or maybe frowned. But, I couldn’t tell anymore because she flipped her head back – her multicolored hair flinging everywhere. I was jealous of everyone else in this room. I wanted them to all be gone.

I slid my dollar on the counter…and she carefully picked it up, and threw it behind her. I watched her, as she danced in front of me, pretending we were alone…if only we were alone. She left, my dollar doesn’t buy that much.

I had just enough for the rest of her dances. Just enough to buy us a few precious seconds together.


May 19th, 2010

He slid his finger across the screen, looking carefully at the images he had been sent. He searched out each photo for the red head – making sure he looked miserable as before. It wasn’t always easy to find him, but it was a game that was fun to play.

He might have told Sen that he had stopped trailing this young boy – but he hadn’t. He liked having every move reported to him, noting the failures of his day to day life.  He enjoyed sitting back, smoking a cigarette, and imagining what it would be like to hold a gun up to his pale forehead.

Pulling the trigger.

Mmm…that’d be nice. He heard the door open, and closed the photos. This was his own little secret day dream…that should stay that way.


May 19th, 2010

My hand clutched my chest, and I pushed my head back against the locker. I hadn’t felt this since I was little – this feeling like my heart was shriveling up. I was alone in the locker room, and I tried to force myself to concentrate on the smell of sweaty clothes. The faint sound of the showers. Anything, but the tightening in my chest.

I breathed.




Fuck. It hurt so bad. My eyes were watering.

This couldn’t be happening again. I couldn’t let this ruin everything that was going for me. A free ride to somewhere else – somewhere I could take him away from this place. My body shouldn’t be holding me back from what I wanted to do. I felt my phone vibrate, and I peeled my hand, that was holding onto my shorts, to look at the screen.

How’d the game go?

All I wanted to do was cry out in pain…but I clenched my teeth and forced my fingers to type away a simple answer. Great…see you soon.

If I could get myself up off the floor…

not amused.

May 16th, 2010

My hands were clutching the sides of the trash-bag lined garbage can as I heaved everything shitty I had consumed within the last 45 minutes. I couldn’t help but stare down at the ticket stubs, turkey leg remnants, twinkie wrappers, and cotton candy bags that I was splattering. God…This was a horrible first impression.

I hadn’t been able to ride rollercoasters since I…I could even remember. I felt a pat on my back, and I vaguely glanced back at him – his face a contorted look of disgust and fear. Fear, because he was afraid I would throw up on him again. Shit. I had ruined his shoes, which I was looking at as he shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it.” He said, I could hear a hint of forced “cheerfulness” in his voice. Those were probably $300 shoes and I had just thrown up on them after he bought me a bracelet to let me ride every ride in the park. So, far I was just a waste of his money.

“I”m sorry…” I got out before I had to throw up again, covering a plate dusted with powder sugar. He didn’t say anything while I steadied myself and stood back up, weakly smiling in his direction.
This was going to be a long night.

seven months

May 15th, 2010

She wanted me to do what?! I sat there, a little bit stunned. I wasn’t expecting this – not from someone in this day and age.

“I just want to wait…you know. Make it special. I think if we could make it last for seven months – then it’d be really magical.

I watched her mouth move, but I literally couldn’t believe what she was saying. I only just started seeing this girl two weeks ago. We’d barely even kissed.

“I…What?” Was about all I could get out.

“If you really like me, you’ll make this work. It’s not like a relationship is all about sex anyway.”

I felt myself rise up out of my chair without really thinking, and stammering something a long the lines of “this should cover it” as a I threw down a $20 and got out of there as fast as I could.

I guess that’s what I go for dating an ex-Mormon. What the hell.


May 13th, 2010

It wasn’t long before I realized that this was the mistake of my life. And I would pay for these few actions for the rest of my existence.

uncomfortable (drabble)

May 12th, 2010

I shifted uneasily as my mother jabbed the pins into the wig. She demanded I put it on, my short hair barely able to keep it in place. She was talking about something I had no interest in – attracting men. My eyes drifted over to the mirror, and a frown appeared almost immediately.

I never really appreciated mirrors, like others do. I try to escape seeing myself – especially like this, at all costs.

But, today was all about how I looked. And, if anything, today was the one day I would be tempted to smash that heirloom mirror my mother prized so much.

cosmic love

May 11th, 2010

I wasn’t quite sure how long I had been staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep, and it kind of pissed me off how quickly he could fall asleep. I peeled my eyes off of the smooth surface above me and looked over at his sleeping form – his rising stomach, his peacefully closed eyes.

Fuck him.

It was because of him that I couldn’t sleep. I reached out blindly, my eyes on his face, to find my iPod. There was only one song that had really been able to calm me, quiet me, mostly because it covered me, drug me down to another place. Caused me to think of things I didn’t usually like to.

I got the headphones on, squinted at the dim screen, and put my – no, our – song on to play. My eyes moved back to his face, his pale blonde hair, and how I just wanted to be able to talk to him. But, he was always asleep when my heart started beating faster, my need to shout my inner devotions. Why did I only feel comfortable saying these things to his sleeping face?

The music pounded louder.

My heart sped.

My palms started to sweat.

It was like I was fourteen again, and had just met him for the first time. Just kissed him for the first time. I was stiff, intent on not letting myself pounce on top of him and yell in his face about how I really loved him. That all I wanted was for him to be happy. I never wanted him to leave – I never wanted to be without him. He was everything to me.

He rolled over.

The song ended.

My heart slowed.

I guess he needed his sleep anyway.